Hey…
Look, we’ve had some great, great times. Don’t get me wrong. Man, do you remember that time in high school when we were supposed to be getting ready for finals but a back-to-back screening ofCaddyshack and Caddyshack 2 was on? And even though Caddyshack 2 was terrible, the couch was really comfortable?
Yeah… that was awesome. I promise you that I will never, ever forget that night.
You’ve always been there when I needed you, and sometimes even when I haven’t. I can feel you in my heart right now as I write this, as a soft little voice telling me to go and look up Greenday on Wikipedia, just in case there’s some cool fact about them that I don’t know yet.
Oh, and don’t even get me started on watching old episodes of Heroes when I should be doing my tax return! It was a great, great day for us when I bought that boxed set.
But I’m older and wiser than the boy I once was, and it seems to me now that, just like it was my money that we used to buy Season One of Heroes on DVD, everything concrete that has been brought to the table in this relationship has been brought by yours truly. Sure, you can point to the fact that lying in bed for just five more minutes, and then maybe five minutes more, and then hey, well, why not just get up at quarter past? is an activity that we can do together, but that’s kinda the problem here.
It feels like we’re always doing what you want. Remember when we were going to go that party at Marcy’s but you just wanted to watch one more YouTube clip? And while I sat in the background growing more and more uncomfortable, I just couldn’t stop you from clicking on the next video of a skateboarder hurting themselves—and then you discovered Lolcats.com and the whole operation went down the tube.
It’s time for us to break up. Not tomorrow, not when the moment is right… right now. I know this is hard, and I know that it might seem cruel, but it’s the only way. You’ll find someone else, someone new. Just as soon as you get the car fixed, which you’ve been talking about for months now.
Regards,
Simon Smithson
Simon Smithson is an Australian writer. As an Australian, he has played knifey spooney before. As a writer, he prays for the day when Dan Brown sends him an invitation to one of his fabulous ‘money fight!’ parties. Simon is also currently writing and editing for www.thedoubleagent.com.
